DSTV - Full of ideas.

Last night DSTV decided to run a few tests in the land of tv, it was quite interesting really. During House (now on in place of Boston Legal. Nothing can replace that quality show but House comes close to it) DSTV attempted to break the world record in advert breaks! Holy moses they really were pushing it last night. At one stage the ad breaks were longer than the actual show. Ridiculous. This did give me time, though, to uncover another little test DSTV were performing in tv land. MTV and VH1 became one. Two channels playing the same music with a 10 second delay. At first I thought it was a freakish coincidence but then it occurred to me that DSTV were, in fact, attempting mind control. I say attempting because it damn near worked! For 20 minutes I sat there, eyes glued to the tv, fascinated at what I was witnessing, wondering how long it would take for them to realize what was going on. Thankfully, though, I was pulled away from it all by Phillip.

Who's Phillip? Well he's the guy who installed our home security system. The same home security system that triggers its alarm whenever it feels like it. It can be 3 in the morning or during your favourite tv program and BAM. It's as though it too has a mind of its own and just likes reminding us that it, not us, is in control.

More interesting news: I'm reading a quality book at the moment. Full review in good time. It's a George Orwell book called... Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Need for speed.

Yesterday, on my way home, the guy in front of me decided to do an emergency brake test.
Post-test analysis shows that:

A. My brakes work.
B. I have the reflexes of a cat.
C. I have a short temper.
D. My right-middle finger is slightly bent.

A little further down the road I realized the reason for this little exercise. Standing on the side of the road was one times evil speed camera. No flashes went off, thankfully, but it nearly caused something far worse. The rest of the ride home was spent thinking of ways to eliminate all speed cameras. I remembered an article I read a month or two ago…

Top this for a speeding ticket.

Two British patrol officers were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had, in fact, locked on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Borders district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style. “Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your ‘hostile radar equipment’ and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched.”

I know you're all thinking 'Stupid bloody Dutch pilot. Shoot the bastards!' But that's a bit rude. Also 'laconic? What the hell does that mean?' Well the MS word thesaurus gives concise as a synonym.


Anyway I came up with something far better. I managed to get hold of Jacob and have put in an order for one times radar jamming device and one times Sidewinder ground-to-ground missile launcher. I just have to figure out a way to attach these to my car without them looking too obvious. Maybe in the sauna later I'll figure it all out. That's where all my hair-brained ideas surface. Will keep you posted.

Sic weather!

I got up this morning (as opposed to... not getting up or getting up this afternoon, perhaps), went to the toilet (as you do first thing in the morning) and found myself standing there thinking 'jeepers is it me making that noise? Aim for the side of the bowl rather, you're going to wake the neighbors'. I realized after I'd finished though that it wasn't me and that someone was standing on my roof with a hose pipe. No wait it wasn't that either. God was having one fuck off big wee outside. This is getting ridiculous now. I think the dams are full so that's enough rain for this winter. Please leave.
Everything seems to stop when the weather is like this. Even the oke who sells beads under the bridge took the day off. He hasn't done that since the arrival of his only competition - the beggar who stands 10m further down the road.


It's a bad time for rain because it also interrupted the tennis a few times yesterday. How hectic was that tennis? I can safely say that that was the best game I've ever seen, let alone the best final. Imagine being there. Sitting with 14 998 other screaming spectators and Gwen Stefani. What an awesome scene that must have been. Half shouting Roger Roger... The other half shouting Raffa Raffa... and Gwen Stefani. Just sitting there. Looking at her nails. Not clapping, not smiling, not even enjoying herself. Spoiled little girl. The camera's didn't do her any favours but come on. If you're going to go watch the final with your husband who just happens to sit in the family's box next to one of the players' girlfriend, then you should at least act like you're enjoying yourself.


And now, as I have to go play in the rain, I'll sign off.

Awkward silence.

So I'm sitting in the sauna last night after a chilled gym session, contemplating life and feeling sympathetic for turkeys on thanks giving, when in walks a fellow heat-seeker.

Me: Howsit?
FHS: Howsit.

A few moments of silence passed by until he next spoke.

FHS: Hot in here hey.
Me: I think that's the idea...

We both chuckled and looked forward once again. That was followed by silence and it became increasingly awkward to be in there. The barrier for when it becomes too late to strike up a conversation passed. I'm not sure how long that takes but there was no way either of us were going to find out. It became more a game of chicken for me wondering who would last the longest. I won, of course.


More importantly, I'm going to Thailand at the end of the year. Shame, I know.