SABC - Full of 'ideas'.

I was flicking through the TV channels last night and what did I see? (coming fourth to carry me home....) SABC broadcasting something on three (coming fourth to carry me home... Swing low.... Sweet chariot... Coming fourth to carry me.... Home...)

Sorry about that, I got a little caught up in the moment and am just preparing myself for the upcoming cricket season. I'm sure there'll be more about that in future posts.

As I was saying, though, I was flicking through the channels and there it was... Matric revision up next after whatever rubbish was on at the time. This, on its own, is a random piece of information but coupled with the fact that the program was only finishing at midnight it may seem a little more interesting.

My question: Why the hell schedule Matric revision when all the Matrics are sleeping?

Not the best idea they've had thus far.

How the 'Mighty' must fall.

The Chuck Norris phase seems to have finally come to an end. Don't get me wrong, some of the jokes were quite amusing but it is good to see we're all moving on. What we're all moving on to troubles me a bit, though.

Vernon Koekemoer...

I'm sorry but I struggle to see the funny side of this phenomenon. I think it's quite ridiculous actually. The marketers have seriously crossed the dead-ball line on this one. In fact, they didn't cross the line because they were on the wrong side of it to start with.

When watching TV last night, a commercial break showed some new Vernon Koekemoer protection scam on your cell phone, I nearly cracked. The fact that people actually subscribe to these 'free' services by texting to the 5-digit number is bad enough. Do they not see the little block in the corner of the screen that says only 'R65 a week'? Come on kids, Eco's 101: There's no such thing as a free lunch...

More interestingly, blogger is playing mind games with me at the moment. My paragraphs keep jumping into the middle of other paragraphs. Google, this isn't funny. Cut it out. And by 'cut it out' I don't mean literally because that's what's actually happening. I mean stop cutting it out!

DSTV - Full of ideas.

Last night DSTV decided to run a few tests in the land of tv, it was quite interesting really. During House (now on in place of Boston Legal. Nothing can replace that quality show but House comes close to it) DSTV attempted to break the world record in advert breaks! Holy moses they really were pushing it last night. At one stage the ad breaks were longer than the actual show. Ridiculous. This did give me time, though, to uncover another little test DSTV were performing in tv land. MTV and VH1 became one. Two channels playing the same music with a 10 second delay. At first I thought it was a freakish coincidence but then it occurred to me that DSTV were, in fact, attempting mind control. I say attempting because it damn near worked! For 20 minutes I sat there, eyes glued to the tv, fascinated at what I was witnessing, wondering how long it would take for them to realize what was going on. Thankfully, though, I was pulled away from it all by Phillip.

Who's Phillip? Well he's the guy who installed our home security system. The same home security system that triggers its alarm whenever it feels like it. It can be 3 in the morning or during your favourite tv program and BAM. It's as though it too has a mind of its own and just likes reminding us that it, not us, is in control.

More interesting news: I'm reading a quality book at the moment. Full review in good time. It's a George Orwell book called... Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Need for speed.

Yesterday, on my way home, the guy in front of me decided to do an emergency brake test.
Post-test analysis shows that:

A. My brakes work.
B. I have the reflexes of a cat.
C. I have a short temper.
D. My right-middle finger is slightly bent.

A little further down the road I realized the reason for this little exercise. Standing on the side of the road was one times evil speed camera. No flashes went off, thankfully, but it nearly caused something far worse. The rest of the ride home was spent thinking of ways to eliminate all speed cameras. I remembered an article I read a month or two ago…

Top this for a speeding ticket.

Two British patrol officers were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had, in fact, locked on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Borders district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style. “Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your ‘hostile radar equipment’ and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched.”

I know you're all thinking 'Stupid bloody Dutch pilot. Shoot the bastards!' But that's a bit rude. Also 'laconic? What the hell does that mean?' Well the MS word thesaurus gives concise as a synonym.


Anyway I came up with something far better. I managed to get hold of Jacob and have put in an order for one times radar jamming device and one times Sidewinder ground-to-ground missile launcher. I just have to figure out a way to attach these to my car without them looking too obvious. Maybe in the sauna later I'll figure it all out. That's where all my hair-brained ideas surface. Will keep you posted.

Sic weather!

I got up this morning (as opposed to... not getting up or getting up this afternoon, perhaps), went to the toilet (as you do first thing in the morning) and found myself standing there thinking 'jeepers is it me making that noise? Aim for the side of the bowl rather, you're going to wake the neighbors'. I realized after I'd finished though that it wasn't me and that someone was standing on my roof with a hose pipe. No wait it wasn't that either. God was having one fuck off big wee outside. This is getting ridiculous now. I think the dams are full so that's enough rain for this winter. Please leave.
Everything seems to stop when the weather is like this. Even the oke who sells beads under the bridge took the day off. He hasn't done that since the arrival of his only competition - the beggar who stands 10m further down the road.


It's a bad time for rain because it also interrupted the tennis a few times yesterday. How hectic was that tennis? I can safely say that that was the best game I've ever seen, let alone the best final. Imagine being there. Sitting with 14 998 other screaming spectators and Gwen Stefani. What an awesome scene that must have been. Half shouting Roger Roger... The other half shouting Raffa Raffa... and Gwen Stefani. Just sitting there. Looking at her nails. Not clapping, not smiling, not even enjoying herself. Spoiled little girl. The camera's didn't do her any favours but come on. If you're going to go watch the final with your husband who just happens to sit in the family's box next to one of the players' girlfriend, then you should at least act like you're enjoying yourself.


And now, as I have to go play in the rain, I'll sign off.

Awkward silence.

So I'm sitting in the sauna last night after a chilled gym session, contemplating life and feeling sympathetic for turkeys on thanks giving, when in walks a fellow heat-seeker.

Me: Howsit?
FHS: Howsit.

A few moments of silence passed by until he next spoke.

FHS: Hot in here hey.
Me: I think that's the idea...

We both chuckled and looked forward once again. That was followed by silence and it became increasingly awkward to be in there. The barrier for when it becomes too late to strike up a conversation passed. I'm not sure how long that takes but there was no way either of us were going to find out. It became more a game of chicken for me wondering who would last the longest. I won, of course.


More importantly, I'm going to Thailand at the end of the year. Shame, I know.

Cripple Fight.

Jimmy and Timmy fighting over their latest discovery

Fact: Rain + Night = People driving like morons.

Is the Cape full of Jollers at the moment or are Joburg drivers really better than Cape Town drivers? All I know is that the roads in Cape Town are a nightmare in this weather! The volume on my car radio hasn't been past 15 in weeks. This seems to make trips so much longer!


Come people enough is enough now, lets work together on this.

It's not that difficult.

The roads haven't moved, it's just a little rain.


(If the picture above doesn't make sense don't worry. It's directed at the jimmy who ended my anonymity, gave me writers block and pretty much fucked up everything.)

The dreaded phone call.

I've just made that dreaded call we all fear and hate. The one that involves much preparation...

Step 1: You move your couch next to the phone (unless you have a cordless phone, in which case moving the couch would just be silly).

Step 2: You make yourself a cup of tea and maybe a sandwich.

Step 3: You cancel whatever plans you had for the next hour or two.

Step 4: You take your cup of tea, sandwich and phone to the couch and get comfortable.

Step 5: You dial 10219...


This is followed by 'breath taking' music, much waiting and, if you're really lucky, a conversation with a moron.

Take this mornings operator for example:

Call operator: Heello #genius# speaking how may I help you?
Me: Hi there I want to report a faulty ADSL line.
C O: OK. One moment please. (a minute later) OK what is your telephone number.
Me: #1 800 3825 3223# (that might spell something rude)
C O: OK. One moment please. (at least 3 minutes later). Yes your line is faulty.
Me: Really? Oh I thought it was working fine.
C O: No it is coming up on my computer as faulty.
Me: Ok. Can you fix it?
C O: No. I have to pass it on to our technical support.
Me: Ok. Do that then.
C O: OK. Anything else I can help you with?
Me: No no. Just the faulty line for now, thanks.
C O: OK. Have a good day.

This was followed by more waiting, though not as long this time, and a conversation that was far less entertaining. Bottom line is the guys that telkom outsource all their problems to are on the case and my line should be up and running sometime in August. Cool. If you're wondering how I'm writing this now then wonder no more. It's called 3G HSDPA...

Our boy trying to concentrate in the midst of all the chaos.

Morning after mumbles.

This morning I was woken by the voices in my head when they decided to have a go at each other.

Voice of reason: Yup. That's what you get for drinking so much last night.

Satan: Shh. I'm sleeping.

V o r: Well you better wake up because the doorbell's ringing. I think the maid forgot how to open the gate.

S: For fuck sakes princess. It's the GREEN button!

V o r: Yes that's it. Screaming makes the headache go away.

S: Whatever. Last night was a blast. Don't act like you didn't enjoy it.

This conversation went on for a while until finally Satan agreed to leave. No doubt he'll be back on the weekend though.

My usual morning after routine followed which went a little something like this:

Step 1: Check phone for clues as to what transpired last night. Check also victims of drunk calling/texting.

Apparently I phoned someone I met on the weekend. She didn't answer. Thank Christ. Though she wouldn't would she because a: it was 3 in the morning and b: she didn't answer the first time I called and still hasn't replied. Not sure why she gave me her number.

Step 2: Get up and stroll into the kitchen to rehydrate (Big word, I know). Check also the rubbish bin to see what I bought to eat on my way home.

I found a Barcello's box. Thanks guys, I'm sure it was good. Also an empty packet of chips. Hmm. That's interesting.

Step 3: Go outside and check car. Make sure that a: it's there, and b: it's in one piece.

Well it was there and in one piece but on closer inspection it appeared to have had some interior redecoration. Cheesey poofs everywhere! Note to self: never buy Cheesey poofs for the ride home. They're a nightmare to clean and messing is inevitable (Another big word. Hectic, I know).

Step 4: Make a few phone calls to make sure I still have friends and that they're still talking to me.

It would appear that I was relatively well behaved last night...

Step 5: Find food and drink and go max out in front of the TV for a good hour or two.

Nothing better than watching TV the morning after. Things are so much funnier. Even Casino Royale struck the funny bone.

Classic line of the day comes from the scene when Bond, James Bond, meets Vesper on the train... "How was the lamb sir?". "Skewered. One sympathizes".

Just brilliant.

Till next time...

Word association.

Exams - Done.

Holiday - Welcome.

Drinks - Umm... Ya.


That's all. Just thought I'd share that with you. I'm sure tomorrow will bring with it a few stories.

Friday night banter.

Yes it's Friday night and yes I'm sitting in front of the computer. Why? Caus I feel like it.

I was doing a bit of 'surfing' and just cant help but comment on my findings...

First I'm quickly going to go back a few weeks to reveal my existence. (on blogger in case you're now thinking I'm only a few weeks old). I came across blogger through 2oceansvibe when I found a link to Baglett (entertaining stuff. Good work Baglett). Still being fairly new at this game I now find myself checking out other blogs. Hence the Friday night banter...

The comments on a particular article just did it for me. Some oke decided to have a little go at the readers/author by writing random comments after the article.

Just priceless.

Here we go kids I've found a way for you to feel better about yourself. Especially those of you who get bullied and feel insignificant. I think I should patent this idea. Can make millions.

So here we go. This is what you do:

You go find a blog, of your choice, and wait for someone to write something that sparks your 'wit'. Then, and this is the money maker, you unleash all your fury on the stranger that you're not face-to-face to, have all the time you need to choose your words and will never have to worry about the consequences. Great. What a brilliant idea.

I can just picture the little computer geek sitting in his moms basement feeling all big about himself because he told someone off. You know what tough guy. People like Tiger Woods; Michael Jordon; Roger Federer... They're not winners. You are.

Blasphemy - not for everyone.

I'm reading this rather exciting book at the moment, one I found in the library. Problem is it's author enjoys cussing. While this is no problem for me, in fact I quite enjoy it, it is a problem for some. This I can understand. However, what I don't understand is why someone who didn't appreciate his style of writing felt the need to scratch out every single profanity in his entire book!

Sweet Jesus. (scratch that out)

I don't like seafood but do you see me swimming around trying to poke holes in fishing boats? No. You don't! That would be ridiculous in this weather. So a big fuck you very much to the soul who made me go out and buy a new book. I'll donate it to the library on your behalf. Then I'll go find 10 more books that use even worse language and donate them too.

On a more light hearted note my typing is getting quiiick. I find myself blowing on the keyboard from time to time as it overheats. The days of '2 finger typing' from typing 101 are over. Welcome the days of typing 201 where my pinky darts out every now and then to hit the keys in the far corner. Though most of the time they miss their mark it is nice to have them on the team. Welcome guys. Now I just have to introduce my middle fingers to the game. Though I think thats more typing 301. Looking forward to it.

Phase 1 complete, thanks Lisa.

Congratulations go out to lucky ready number......1! Stay tuned for more details.

I spoke to the financial adviser this morning regarding a recent job opportunity I stumbled upon. It would appear that things are on the up. It would also appear that my long list of 'ingenious ideas' finally includes one with potential. Telling you what it involves would be silly, so I won't. Sorry.

Press release:

For some reason I went for a run today (not something I usually do) and have decided never to do so again. I just wasn't designed to run. Put me on a bike and I'll build up a sweat. Though not on a gym bike, cycling for an hour and not moving is just ridiculous. That said road riders cause chaos. Dodging rogue taxi's is bad enough. In other words what I'm trying to say is this: When I get in my car I would like people to just get the hell out my way. A clear path from point A to B would be nice. Thanks.

Moving on to phase 2...

Just putting it out there...

Clearly this experiment needs somewhat of a catalyst because my hit counter (bottom of screen) only seems to go up when I add to the page. I've therefore decided to start putting my name out there. Thats the 'what', the 'how' is a whole new problem and the 'when' is as soon as I've solved the how... Complicated? Whatever.

Gate-crashing isn't cool.

I took a little break from my hectic studying the other day to meet a few mates as well as some rather important guests. The likes of Windhoek lager, Charles Glass and Mr Hansa Pilsner were among the VIP's.


Things were going well with the conversation getting louder and funnier as the night went on. A couple of hours into the evening even Johnny Walker managed to find his way through the door, calming things down a bit and turning the conversation a little more serious. Things like 'she really broke my heart' and 'I thought she was the one' were thrown around the room. Not ideal having to listen to that but, apparently, that's what mates are for. As things got more and more serious I found myself planning a sneaky exit (I'm well known for just disappearing at 'that stage of the night'). However halfway through executing my cunning exit Jose Cuervo barged through the door. This was when things really went pear. Why would anyone invite him to a chilled gathering amongst friends. He not only runs around like a headless chicken but also has an uncanny knack of taking you on wild adventures into the early hours of the morning. He even has the ability to delete your memory which can be really dangerous. He left me talking to a member from the opposite sex who I had never seen before. One minute I'm chilling at the bar with a glass of whiskey and Bang, I'm on the DF doing god knows what to god knows who.


All good until it decided to ask if I knew its name...


It: Whats my name?

Me: (chin on floor) Uhh... Whats my name?

It: (horrified) You don't remember my name!?

Me: (on the attack) Well clearly you don't remember mine either!

It: (hand on hip) Its #correct name#!

Me: Uhhh... Shit. How did you know my name?

It: Because you introduced yourself to me earlier!

Me: I did what? Hey wait I'm only kidding (as it walked away never to be seen again. Though I won't actually know will I?)


At that point, clearly conscience again, I decided to investigate as to what the hell had just happened and when I find out I'll be sure to let you know.

Einstein's Formula

Is Bob finished yet?

Is the circus leaving town or are we yet to see the end of 'the bob show'? Who knows. Hopefully because I don't think there are any words to describe the chaos in Zim. News articles read that its finally coming to an end and if I know bob ( and reading about him over the years means I do) then the grand finale should be quite spectacular! Good luck to the poor souls who have to try remove him from his pedestal.

In local news.... Exams are approaching ever so fast, as they do, and so my tone over the next week or 2 could be rather glum.

Wish me luck.

Sandman.

The seed.

Enter Sandman.

I'm interested to see how much time is wasted on the Internet. Not only by you 'surfers' out there but by the 'surfees' who publish bits of randomness to fuel your 'surfing' needs.

Hence this blog. I'm going to spend some of my valuable time publishing anything that comes to mind. From current affairs to sport to music to entertainment to whatever. Why? Because I can. Also because I'm still a student (and am quite happy to stay one forever. Not because we are all students of life but because I can. I won't. But I could if I wanted to) and have spare valuable time on my hands.

I must apologize to all the bosses out there who have employees that spend your time on the net because this could add to your problem. Hopefully it does because that would mean that my little plan is working. (What plan you ask? Same one as always...'Try to take over the world')

Exit Sandman. (Always liked the intro to that song. Maybe I should just sign off as Sandman from now. Not because I want to put you to sleep at night but because it sounds cool. Well it does to me, at least.)